I'm writing a book and i want to know what you guys think of this little piece..Its Girly?

Abbie had gotten herself into a whirlwind of trouble. Love, horrible love had taken its toll once again. The feelings which she had suppressed for so long were thrown in her face. The decision to not turn around and go back began to get harder to remember as she looked far down into his brown eyes that held some sort of gold speckled power over her. Though she knew tomorrow he wouldn’t care and that nothing in him returned to her the same affection her heart poured out towards him, she almost didn’t care. He leaned in and his lips slightly brushed over the top of hers, then out of some morally correct sub consciousness she turned her head and his lips hit her cheek. This had to be wrong, nothing about this could be right. She had someone at home who loved her. He also had someone that loved him in the same respect. But the feelings that they had shared a few years earlier had a tendency to come back and haunt them both, usually at different times, there hearts never seeming to cooperate with one another. But this time, this night there bodies shared an attraction that they had to fight off, out of better judgment and respect for the ones that loved and trusted them both, but he chose to give in. Abbie looked down at the floor and tried to think of what to say. No words of any substance could come to her mind, no thought of why they shouldn’t do this held the spotlight at this moment in time. She looked up back into his eyes, the biggest possible mistake that she could have made, and there was that radiant brown again piercing her. She held a stare for a second, and then opened her mouth to speak. What words would come out? She wasn't sure, but she hoped it would be the voice of reason in this deadly situation. before a word had a chance to escape he grabbed the back of her neck, right where her hair reached her skin, and pressed his lips into hers. Every muscle in her body tightened and then fell loose all in a matter of that brief ten seconds. And with her loosing muscles she sank into the sinful kiss she knew she would pay for later. it didn’t matter to her what became of her heart, or what became of there friendship after this, She knew it would go nowhere. So for that moment she lost all clarity of what was right and what was wrong, and just enjoyed his lips on hers for the last time.

I'm writing a book and i want to know what you guys think of this little piece..Its Girly?
Not too bad but if you are serious about writing you need to learn about verbs. Passive verbs are to be used sparingly. Your "had gotten" in the first sentence is a real problem. Also avoid the awkward verb "had taken" use "took." Avoid any use of "had."





Look at this sentence, "The feelings which she had suppressed for so long were thrown in her face."





Try, "Her long suppressed feelings just slapped her in the face."





Note it is shorter and more direct. Always go for shorter and more direct writing. Active verbs are necessary.





Also your paragraph is absurdly long, hopefully it is just a formatting issue.
Reply:i really like it !
Reply:you are sick
Reply:its pretty good for the type of book im assuming its for
Reply:you are a very talented writer





im not into that particular type of story but it is well written. it is girly but then again those are the people who will probably read your book, no?
Reply:...Wow, that's pretty good, i kinda want to read more haha, tell me when you publish this!
Reply:It's good. I can imagine it as part of one of a series of romance novels.
Reply:It is really very girly, and not particularly well-written. it might fly as a romance novel, but nothing serious.
Reply:didnt want to read it,,,,too long
Reply:That is really really good, i would like to read more...
Reply:keep yer day job
Reply:omg that was awsome tell WHOEVER that was to stop hatin cuz this gurl right here got skillz u go gurl..lol
Reply:your a greatt writer. ever been in the same place before because you have a great imagination, or you know from yours or someone experience. what's the titlee? id love to read it!
Reply:OMG girl i was feeling that i didnt want it to end............post another if you can.........and although i liked it i can tell its gonna be good i have to say the begining could have less words i felt like you were trying to over dramtise the whole thing
Reply:I hope its not the last time...