I have another poem that I'd like someone to critique for me.?

I'm very new to writing poetry, writing stories is more my style but it's for a class and this is the second poem I've ever written. Here it is:








The sun shines warm on my skin


It is morning and I don't want to be in


The outside world calls to me


through the window I hear its plea


It says lets go play and have some fun


your chores will still be there when we're done


I smile and think mom wil never know


she is busy and talking on the phone


Maybe, just maybe she will not see


If I leave and let the bed just be.


My toys can wait awhile


mom knows thats just my style


I cannot wait a moment longer


I don't want to be bored and somber


And so I sneak right out the door


to play and have fun forever more.

I have another poem that I'd like someone to critique for me.?
It's a good poem...especially for a second atttempt. You dropped your rhymescheme somewhere between "know" and "phone", but otherwise you kept that going throughout the poem. ("Longer" and "somber" are close enough that I would just let it pass.)





It sounds like the justification that goes on inside of a young mind when there is work to be done...it is insightful. You can craft the title on the play aspect: "Play Date" or "Gone Playing". Or you could craft the title on the justification aspect: "Apology for Justification" or "Warrant for a Sunny Morning". Or you could just take the first line like so many poets do...
Reply:It's good. Keep at it. Read up on other poetry and see what they have done, that's how I learned to paint.
Reply:I think it's good and you know what they say practice makes perfect
Reply:it's good, i like it. i write poetry (or i used too) and i once had the opportunity to be schooled by a woman who writes for The European Poetry Society. Their are different styles of poetry and particular ways they should be written, every line in the poem should have the same number of syllables able to fluctuate by three. This means that as you read your poem clap your hands to the syllables and count how many are in that particular line.


For example:





The sun shines warm on my skin (7)


It is morning and I don't want to be in (11)


the number of syllables shouldn't vary any more than three so try it like this:





The sun shines warm (4)


on my skin (3)


It is morning (4)


don't want to be in (5)





i hope this makes sense........ and may be helps a little.
Reply:It sounds nice. A good title might be "Playtime" or something like that. But yeah it's a really nice poem. Just think about making better use of metaphores and similies, to invoke emotion in people. Try to play on the senses, or appeal to the recall part of our brains. Like saying, "Her eyes are winter fire, January embers, like dry ice on my soul" instead of saying "Her eyes burn my soul". Otherwise it was tight. Keep writing your thoughts and feelings, and you can't go wrong.
Reply:Its very good hon! The word's flowed beautifly. As for a title, How about.....


1. Summer Day's, Summer Morning, Summer


2. Spring, Arrival of Spring,Day's of Spring


3. Beautiful Day


4. Sunshine,Call of the Sun,Day's of Youth
Reply:I love this. It is very fresh.





You are in essence throwing off whatever has kept you in the house. "Escape" sounds far too serious, but something along those lines. You could also use as your tite the last three words. "Fun Forever More"
Reply:"waiting"





It's OK....free verse. Keep writing!

ivy