Please review this poem!?

The winds of time


flutter the pages


of a long forgotten book.


The faded ink shows through


the yellowed pages.





Wrinkled hands


softly brush


aside the dust


each fold of skin


replete with memories


of a friend


who lived.





Eyes,


hungry for the truth


filled with recollections


of the past


search the page.





They find their mark.


One name


Two dates


born and died


before our time


A second in history,


but a lifetime


of memories.





What seems small,


insignificant


is not always so.


For the small,


insignificant


seconds of time


add up to a beautiful


history.

Please review this poem!?
Once again, excellent poem.


I liked how it flowed really well and it was easy to read.





A few changes I'd make would be;





Comma usage. There are a few lines that need commas after them to separate ideas. for example, after 'aside the dust' in the second stanza and also maybe after the first insignificant in the last stanza.





Also, the stanza that starts with 'Eyes,' doesn't seem to flow like the rest of the poem. I think this is because both 'hungry for the truth' and 'filled with recollections of the past' are supposed to finish the line started with eyes. I think this could be fixed by adding a semi colon after the word truth, but I'm not entirely sure.





And one last thing; The first stanza sets the tone for a poem and in this poem, while the meaning is portrayed well and it does start the poem off well, it is written in short, direct, sentence form while all the other stanzas have sentences divided into poetic ideas by commas. This means that the meter changes after the beginning of the poem.





Other than that, I thought this poem was incredibly well written.


For once I actually liked a non-rhyming poem. :]





Keep up the good work.





-Kelsey
Reply:this stanza needs work:





Eyes,


hungry for the truth


filled with recollections


of the past


search the page.





Its a nice concept, but the phrasing is boxy and trite.


Avoid introducing a noun, ("Eyes") and then putting a comma and then a description of that noun after the comma.


The result is a tired-sounding sentence at best.





The last stanza has a good concept too, but can you express it without saying it so directly? Use an image for pete's sake!





The other stanzas were pure unadulterated joy for me to read!





Good job ;)
Reply:The poem is nice, but, I'm not so sure you want to repeat the word "insignificant" in your last strophe.





The words that you team, like "winds of time" and "flutter the pages" are nice, but, common. What makes poetry great is when the authors use terms or phrases that are unexpected.





One poet, Rane Arroyo, used a phrase that I always find myself liking... "caught in a net of light" Usually, light isn't caught in a net. That's what makes that line special.





Give it a shot!
Reply:I'm not sure if it's a problem or not, but I was a little hung up on "faded ink shows through the yellowed pages." Faded ink would not be bold enough to show through paper. Also, though I realize the wind is a metaphor, pages fluttered by the wind would probably not be dusty.





I agree with what a previous poster said about the third stanza. I would eliminate the stanza and change the fourth so it begins, "Hungry eyes are sated. One name ..." "find their mark" felt a little out of place.
Reply:Nice, a poem about genealogical research! Here are a few suggestions to use as you will:





- Make each line a bit longer by combining 2 lines into one in some places:


(The winds of time flutter the pages


of a long-forgotten book.


The faded ink shows through the yellowed pages.





Wrinkled hands softly brush aside the dust


each fold of skin replete with memories


of a friend who lived...)





- Consider dropping lines 26-28 ("What seems so small..."). I think line 29-33 would be more compelling if they came immediately after "a second in history but a lifetime of memories."





A nice piece, for the most part. Your closing lines are beautiful.