Just an opinion please?

Somethings wrong


i cant turn


I cant stop


THis cant be right





The sun is beating down


What a beautiful day


no a cloud in sight


dinner is waiting on the table





my head hit the sidewalk


with a deathly crunch


My skin pealing away


Pavement, thats my sight





My skin is burning


I feel warmth on my sholder


I hear his voice


he runs to my side, unstable





Its all sureal


Every thing is a blur


People asking questions


This must be a dream





He wishpers in my ear


Youll be okay


They will be hear any second


So brave he was





Never left my side


Holding my hand


While tears rolled down my face


He said he loves me





I wake up


In the recovery room


My neck and hip were cut open


No i understand all the fuss





It wasnt a dream


It was my life


I was watching in disbelief


Its something that now repeats


Every time i Sleep

Just an opinion please?
From the last part - where you say it was your life and not a dream....


I think you can do deeper in your sentences....
Reply:You want an honest opinion? The intensity is there as you keep the reader suspended with you there for a time. I think what it needs is to be distilled down to stronger imagery.
Reply:I like it, to me it seems like somthing is unresolved and that is why it keeps coming to you when you sleep.
Reply:this is a really good poem. the way you described what happened in such clear detail is amazing, especially when you passed out. in the eighth stanza did you mean to write NO or NOW. and did you mean to put a capital t%26amp;h in the word this. this is a good poem. its cool how you told it.
Reply:I think this expression has potential.





I think you need to "clean it up. Punctuation and stanzas, for starters, or, was it all deliberate?





I just cleaned up the punctuation, grammar... created a few stand alone stanzas. I would have done more but hey, it's not my poem.





What I like? the moment to moment...What I don't like? the last line is so darn suggestive of more...nightmares? Something? a word or two? I would love to see what you would add, a line or two, to say more about what happens every time you sleep. It could even be a repetition of something from the beginning. I couldn't help myself, I added a line. Cross it out and write your own. Or if you disagree, leave it as it was.





For example:





Something's wrong


I can't turn


I can't stop





This can't be right





The sun is beating down


What a beautiful day


Not a cloud in sight





Dinner is waiting on the table





My head hit the sidewalk


With a deathly crunch


My skin peeled away





Pavement, that's my sight





My skin is burning


I feel warmth on my shoulder





I hear his voice


He runs to my side, unstable





It's all surreal


Every thing is a blur


People asking questions


This must be a dream





He whispers in my ear


You'll be okay


They will be here any second





So brave he was


Never left my side


Holding my hand





While tears rolled down my face


He said he loves me





I wake up


In the recovery room


My neck and hip were cut open


No I understand all the fuss





It wasn't a dream


It was my life


I was watching in disbelief


It's something that now repeats


Every time I sleep





Something's wrong...
Reply:TOoooooo looong
Reply:I really like that. u keep us wondering what's it all about yet u have us locked in when we 1st read it...AMAZING!!!!


e-mail me sometime so we can share poetry!
Reply:That is a really good poem. Your not afraid of honesty I could tell. Keep it up you have extremely powerfuln writing techniques it keeps a person linguring over your poem and it gives mystery.